i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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