Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
