There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize