i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
