my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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