I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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