grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How does it feel to date your dad?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
