In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
