This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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