This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
