He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
