I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
