He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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