Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
