I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
