I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
