you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
