Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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