I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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