I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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