So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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