I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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