Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
