Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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