I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
