I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
