I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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