this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
