So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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