Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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