OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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