1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
