420 ftw
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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