Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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