With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
