I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
