walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
