Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
