Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
