I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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