I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
