Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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