I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
