I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
