I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
