Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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