just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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