watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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