whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
