i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
