No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
