He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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