My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We're too hungover to prance.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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