My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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