I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
