textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
