Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
