They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
