it was like his penis was on wheels.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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