Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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