When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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