i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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