i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
