dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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