last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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