If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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