You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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