so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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