Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
